Levi's Spring Break
by Seryan Parks
Summary: I present to you Levi's Spring Break, or: F*ck Everything And Especially F*ck Spring Break: Levi's Story.
1. Monday

I present to you Levi's Spring Break, or: F*ck Everything And Especially F*ck Spring Break: Levi's Story. Rated T because Levi drops more f-bombs than Aldo the Apache.

* * *

Chapter One: Monday

Thump. "Levi, wake up."

Thump, thump. "Levi, wake the fuck up."

"Hnn," the sleeping man growled. "Six inna mornin. Lemme sleep."

Petra whacked him with a pillow one more time. "It's seven, and this is the first day of spring break. Remember?"

Now that Petra mentioned it, Levi did indeed remember. They (read: everyone except Levi) had planned and agreed (again, without Levi's input) to spend the first day of their spring break in Dayton, Ohio, to visit the Air Force museum that was located there. "Ah, fuck."

Petra thumped the pillow against Levi's head once more for good measure. "It's seven oh nine. Get up." With that, she left Levi's room, but flipped the light on and did not close the door.

Levi would have slept despite this if he had not felt twenty tiny pinpricks in his legs and heard rough purring. It was Levi Jr., the kitten Hanji had found on the side of the road and adopted. "It's tiny and has black fur, just like you, Levi!" she had exclaimed.

Levi Jr. made his way up his namesake's body and came to a stop on his chest, staring at Levi with bright blue eyes. Blue as… as a blue thing, Levi thought sleepily. Levi Jr. purred and began to lick the bigger man's chin. Levi knew what was coming, but he wasn't fast enough to lift the kitten off him before the demon in fluff bit his chin. Hard.

"FUCK A DUCK!"

* * *

It was seven fifteen, and Levi still had not moved from his warm, cozy bed, although he was sitting up and rubbing Levi Jr's round little kitten belly. He was still a demon, but a fluffy demon. The belly rub was interrupted by Erwin entering Levi's room.

This was not okay with Levi. Petra could come into his room, but only with permission (and when she had to violently wake him up). Usually no one else attempted to invade the volatile man's space. Usually.

"Come on, Levi!" Erwin was entirely too chipper this morning. This pissed Levi off. It also pissed Levi off that Erwin was standing in his doorway in all his blond glory, wearing those stupid faded jeans and the Captain America t-shirt Hanji had gotten him for Christmas. Mostly Erwin pissed Levi off.

"If you dare to say…" Levi began, just as Erwin proclaimed "Up and at 'em!" Levi pantomined shooting himself in the head and falling over, tongue hanging out. It was childish, but Levi felt that he was entitled to be a child sometimes. Erwin sighed. "Levi, I'm afraid you leave me no choice."

Levi pulled his tongue back in to reply, "Let's play a game. It's called 'Guess How Many Fucks I Give.' Here's a hint: it's zero."

Erwin finally left Levi's bubble, but in a moment later music came blaring from the speakers in the living room. "Oppan Gangnam Style!" Levi groaned. He hated K-pop. And right now, he hated Erwin. "Fine, fine, fine! I'm getting up! Just turn that stupid song off!"

There was a pause, and Gangnam Style went silent, only to be replaced by one of Hanji's favorite bands, who Levi knew from unfortunate experience to be Girl's Generation, another K-pop band. Stupid flatmates. Stupid Ohio. Stupid spring break.

* * *

Levi pulled on his impeccably white socks, and then tugged on his favorite jeans. They were old and had bleach stains from a very unfortunate experience with the laundry when he, Petra, Hanji, Erwin, Mike, Eld, Auruo, and Gunther began renting a suburban house together not too far from the university. They were still his favorite jeans, and simply reminded Levi to do his own laundry rather than trusting Mike with it.

He was torn between his two favorite t-shirts, but ultimately went with the Game of Thrones shirt that depicted Tyion smacking Joffery and read, "And now I struck a king. Did my hand fall from my wrist?" He liked this shirt mainly because no one else in the house watched Game of Thrones, and therefore they could not understand the significance, and because Levi related to Tyrion on a spiritual level.

Levi finally emerged from his room, Levi Jr riding on his shoulder. The small cat liked to sit on shoulders, and would climb up legs and torsos to reach them. The short man and his furry passenger barged into one of the house's three bathrooms, where Petra was straightening her already straight hair and Mike was shaving.

Levi deposited the kitten on Mike's head and grabbed a hairbrush that was clearly labeled LEVI. That was all the warning anyone needed to keep well away from it. Levi tugged the brush through his hair while watching Mike in the mirror. He didn't even seem to notice Levi Jr. clinging to his head, and walked out of the bathroom with a furry hat.

"It's about time you got up," Petra commented.

"Tch." Levi rebuffed her attempt at conversation. It was still way to early in the damn morning for this bullshit.

Petra rolled her eyes and went back to singing along with the music still blaring from the living room, having moved on from Girl's Generation to Super Junior.

* * *

Levi pacified himself by stealing the last packet of Erwin's Oreo-flavored Pop Tarts. If he was going to be dragged to Ohio by his flatmates, then he was damn well going to amuse himself at their expense. He was pouring himself a glass of orange juice when there was a series of knocks at the door. The knocks surprised him, and he spilled a little orange juice on the counter. "Dammit."

"Someone get that!" Petra called from the bathroom. Robbie, Hanji's Lab mix, barked from the basement, also demanding that someone answer the door. In the kitchen, Levi was closest, so he opened the door.

"Hi, Levi!" Eren greeted.

Levi slammed the door.

"IS THAT EREN?" Hanji screeched from the basement.

"No!" Levi hollered back. "No, no, no!"

Levi heard Hanji thundering up the steps. The house they rented had one story and a basement, with one bathroom in the basement and two more upstairs. Hanji had apparently been using the shower in the basement, because when she shoved Levi out of the way and flung open the door, her hair was dripping wet and she was wearing only a towel with ducks on it. Robbie also clambered up the stairs behind her, barking.

"Hi, Eren!" Hanji shouted. "Thanks for coming! Sorry about Levi!"

"No problem." Eren, to his credit, was unfazed by the sight of Hanji in a towel. Robbie burst through the door and jumped up on Eren, barking. "Hey, Robbie! Hey, boy! Who's a good boy? Who's good, huh? Sit!"

Robbie sat, though he didn't quit barking. Eren produced an iced oatmeal cookie from his sweatshirt pocket, and Robbie snatched it up and swallowed the cookie whole.

"Thanks for agreeing to watch Robbie and Levi Junior!" Hanji gushed to Eren.

"He is watching Levi Junior?" Levi was incredulous.

"Oh, not just Eren." For the first time, Levi looked beyond Jeager's stupid head to notice his sister and his groupie, Mikasa and Armin.

"Hanji..." Levi's tone was cold. "What in the actual fuck."

"They're house-and-pet-sitting!" Hanji chirped unhelpfully.

"Seven forty!" Erwin called from somewhere. "Hanji, get dressed! We're leaving in T-minus five minutes!"

"Tch." Levi turned and left the three kids standing in the doorway. Eren took this to mean, "Yes, you may enter my house and touch my things," which he immediately proceeded to do.

The house was a frenzy of activity as everyone tried to prepare to leave. Erwin, of course, was already packed and had Hanji's van started. Petra filled a cooler with ice and every beverage in the fridge. Hanji shrieked, "I DON'T HAVE ANY CLEAN UNDERWEAR!"

Levi tried his best to ignore the insanity around him, packing his laptop, charger, notebook, cell phone, and house keys into his backpack. He stood, surveying his room, wondering if there was anything else he should bring. Levi went back into the kitchen and took Hanji's phone from on top of the coffeemaker (she would invariably forget it) and packed that as well.

There was a flash of bright light, and Levi was suddenly blinded. When he regained his sight, Petra smiled from behind her enormous expensive camera. "All packed and ready to go?" she smiled.

Levi scowled. "I suppose so. I'd rather go with the Looney Tunes than be stuck with Jeager &amp; Co."

"Come on, then, help me load the cooler." Petra dragged Levi out of his room. "Everyone else is already in the van."

"I am not sitting next to Mike."

* * *

At seven forty-six, Levi was strapped into Hanji's full-size van next to Mike, who was between Levi and Gunther. They were sitting behind Hanji, who was driving because it was her van, and Erwin, who had called shotgun. Petra sat in the very last row, squeezed between Auruo and Eld.

"Bye, kids!" Hanji called out the window to Eren, Mikasa, and Armin as they pulled out of the driveway. "No hardcore drugs!"

They hadn't gone a block before Hanji and Erwin were at each other's throats about directions.

"Why are you going north? Dayton is SOUTH of here!"

"Gas is cheaper in Liberty, and then we can take 1-90!"

"That's stupid, Hanji!"

"YOU'RE stupid, Erwin! I've been to Ohio more times than you can count!"

Levi prepared himself for a very long ride.


	2. Tuesday

Chapter Two: Tuesday

Levi intended to sleep in for as long as was humanly possible. He felt that he was entitled to as much sleep as he wanted after was he was subjected to the previous day. The Air Force Museum was, Levi had to admit, very cool. He bought a shot glass as a souvenir. It was after they returned home that the real trouble started. After the psychological damage that had been inflicted upon him, Levi just wanted to sleep like the dead.

Unfortunately, his housemates did not share this attitude.

"Levi~!" Hanji sang, bursting through his door. "It's a beautiful day!"

"Hnnn," Levi groaned. "You fucking people. Can't you let me sleep?"

Hanji mock-pouted. "Oh, don't be a sour-puss! It's a great morning!"

"Yeah, to sleep the fuck in," Levi muttered.

"Aaaand, Petra is making pancakes." Hanji sugared her tone. Petra's pancakes, and coffee, and just about everything she baked, were to die for. Everyone adored Petra's cooking. And Levi was no exception.

"Blueberry?"

"And chocolate chip," Hanji grinned slyly. Levi was absolutely powerless against chocolate chip pancakes, and everyone in the house knew it.

"God damn everything. Fine. I'll be out in a few minutes."

Hanji smirked, and finally exited Levi's room.

It took moment, but at last Levi (literally) rolled out of his bed and changed out of his pajamas. Much to his irritation, he found that Eld's way-too-tight jeans had somehow found their way into his drawer... again. "God damn everything." Levi rustled through his drawer, but did not find a pair of his own pants. Getting frustrated, he checked every drawer in his dresser, but could not find anything to clothe the lower half of his body with. Finally, Levi decided to fuck everything; he was going to breakfast in his boxers and if anyone had a problem, then they could take it up with whoever misplaced his pants.

Levi entered the dining room, where everyone was sitting at the huge table. It could easily accommodate twelve, and today nearly every seat was full. This struck Levi as odd, but he had no time to pay attention to it because he had a mission to accomplish. He snuck up behind Eld, pants in hand, and then pounced.

"What the f-" was all Eld could get out before Levi began choking him with his own pants.

"Eld, explain to me why your fucking girl jeans are in my drawer?" Levi requested politely. Well, he thought he was being polite, but apparently he wasn't, because Erwin looked disapprovingly up from over his newspaper. "Boys, you know the house rules," Erwin intoned sternly. "No murder before noon."

Levi reluctantly released Eld. "Seriously, Eld, why are your girl jeans in my dresser?"

Eld rubbed his neck and glared at Levi. "First, Levi, they're not girl jeans. They're skinny jeans. Anyone can wear them."

"Too bad you can't look good in them," Gunther smirked into his coffee mug.

Eld ignored him. "And second, I don't fuckin' know. I have tons of jeans. How am I supposed to know that someone fucked up the laundry… again?" Several dirty looks were directed at Mike, who had his feet up on the table and eyes glued to his phone.

"Don't look at me like that." Mike objected, never looking up from his phone. "I haven't touched the laundry since that thing with the old washer."

"You're the reason we needed a new one," Erwin pointed out.

"Well, _excuse me_ for thinking that having a hot tub would be nice."

"You don't put fish in a hot tub, Mike." Petra called from where she was flipping pancakes with practiced precision.

Mike gestured to the fish tank sitting on the counter next to the microwave. "The fish never complained. They're fine."

"Hey, I didn't know you guys had fish!" Eren exclaimed.

Levi smacked himself. He had completely forgotten. Since they hadn't returned from Ohio until almost midnight, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin were invited (over Levi's protests) to stay the night. That was why the table had looked odd to Levi: three additional people were sitting at it.

Levi closed his eyes and took a deep breath and counted to ten, then found that he still wanted to kill Eren. He repeated the process. Finally, Levi opened his eyes.

"Petra, I need some pancakes or heroin or something to distract me." He didn't specify what he needed distracted from, but Petra knew Levi well enough to make an educated guess. She smiled and handed Levi a plate with a generous stack of chocolate chip pancakes on it. Well, 'stack' was a relative term- because Petra liked to make shapes with the pancakes, they never stacked neatly and therefore formed a pile of chocolate chip goodness on the plate instead. Today, it looked like Levi got Mickey Mouse, a heart, a dog, and the Batman symbol. Petra was getting good at this.

Levi ate his pancakes at the counter rather than the table to avoid socializing with the brats. Perhaps he was being childish about this, but Levi _reeeeeaaaaally_ didn't like Eren. Part of this stemmed from the fact that Petra thought that Eren was adorable. She brought it up every time Eren visited,and today looked like it would be no exception.

"He's so cute, like a puppy! Can we adopt him, Levi?"

"Absolutely not."

"I'll feed him and take him for walks-"

"NO."

"Hey, speaking of puppies, we have to take Robbie to the vet sometime," Hanji called from where she was flicking blueberries at Gunther's head. He caught the last one in his mouth. "We'd better take Little Levi, too." Hanji mused.

"Do we have anything going today?" Eld asked around a mouthful of pancake. "We could take them today."

"Do fish need to go to the vet?" Mike asked.

"No, Mike," several people replied at once. Mike huffed and walked over to the fishtank. "Anybody fed the fish yet?" he said while dropping food flakes into the water. No one answered. Someone had probably already the fish, but at least four times a day, various people would ask "Has anybody fed the fish?" and sprinkle some flakes into the water. The fish were very fat.

"We should make an appointment first," Erwin pointed out, because someone had to before Hanji dragged everyone into the van and took off for the vet's office.

"Hi! I want to make an appointment with Doctor Jaeger for our dog and kitten!" Hanji chirped into her cell phone. Eren stiffened at the mention of his father. "Hanji, no, my dad isn't-"

Hanji was still talking to the poor person who had answered Dr. Jaeger's phone. "Wait, seriously? Oops. Well, thanks anyway."

Eren rolled his eyes. "Hanji, my dad is a person doctor, not a vet."

She glared at Eren. "That would have been nice to know thirty seconds ago."

It was eventually level-headed Gunther who placed the call to the actual vet and got them an appointment. The vet happened to have an opening at three this afternoon, would that work? Yes, Gunther told the receptionist, that would be perfect.

* * *

Levi could not have been happier when Eren &amp; Co finally, _finally_ left his house. Levi immediately went about spraying disinfectant on everything that he thought Eren might have touched (doorknobs, sink handles), things that he desperately _hoped_ Eren hadn't touched (Levi's books, Levi's DVDs, Levi's _stuff_), and things that were just plain dirty (Hanji's things). Levi spent several hours on this project, but it wasn't enough. The house was fucking filthy. It had bothered him, of course: the fact that their living quarters was reminiscent of a pigsty was always near the bottom of his consciousness, like an itch that couldn't be scratched. A stain that couldn't be removed.

"We have _got_ to clean this place up." Levi stated out loud. Auruo looked up in alarm from where he was tuning his bass guitar. Every once in a while, Levi got the urge to clean, sanitize, dust, and otherwise sterilize everything he could. Normally, Levi could keep this in check and was satisfied with keeping his own room freakishly clean. But when the mood took him… everyone suffered until the house was sparkling.

The urge was taking Levi right now.

The urge to kill Levi was growing more appealing to Auruo every second.

Auruo was saved from a charge of first-degree murder by Hanji, of all people. "Leeeeviiii!"

"Goddammit, Hanji, WHAT!?"

"Come on! We're taking Robbie and Levi Jr to the vet!"

"I'm not going."

Hanji smirked. "Challenge accepted."

* * *

In the end, Hanji didn't have to sedate Levi to force him to come along (and Levi knew for a fact that it was illegal for a civillian to have that strength of tranquilizers, how the fuck did Hanji get them) but it was close. Only Hanji, Levi, and Gunter came to the vet's office. Levi was allowed to ride shotgun, with Levi Jr sitting in a box in Levi's arms. The kitten kept rolling around in the box and playfully biting Levi's fingers.

His eyes fairly popped out of his head when he heard that the bill for two shots for Robbie and one shot for Levi Jr would be three hundred dollars. He sent a telepathic message to Hanji. _Whose bank account is all this money coming from!?_ Unfortunately, Hanji ignored him and handed the receptionist a credit card. Levi really, really hoped it was Erwin's card.


End file.
